A guide to understanding the unique challenges and joys of building a life with a new partner after the death of a spouse. 

expect a unique set of challenges, including navigating grief from your previous spouse, potential comparisons to your deceased partner, complex family dynamics, and the need for open communication to build a new foundation, while acknowledging that your experiences and perspectives will shape the relationship in a different way than a first marriage; it's important to allow yourself time to heal and to be patient with both yourself and your new partner. 

Basically, in a marriage you’re both human with different experiences that have gotten each of you to this point in life.

Overwhelming anxieties, fears, and even mental health issues can cause couples to make marriage mistakes that damage the relationship.  

But…if someone is willing to change, there’s always hope. However, that change will always start with you. Don’t expect the other person to start the conversation or to change.

Exploring how trust can be rebuilt after grief, and how to move forward without comparing the new marriage to the old one. 

Be sure you have allowed yourself to grieve fully, have acknowledged your emotions, have found a support system, and have been able to gradually integrate new routines and connections while honoring the memory of your deceased partner; this process requires patience and understanding that grief manifests differently for everyone.

Only 6% of marriages last 50 years…but ours beat the odds and yours can too!

 “The average length of a marriage in the U.S. lasts 7-8 years.”  (Weinman & Associates 5/26/2022)

 Ours lasted for almost 50 years before Cal died.

 But marriage is definitely not easy. Bringing two completely different people together and expecting their lives to be perfect is truly a fairytale. 

 This is why I am so dedicated to sharing hacks to help people in pre-marriage and marriage relationships.

Let’s explore how to determine if you're emotionally ready for a new marriage after widowhood or widowerhood.

When you feel ready to date, you will know it. That said, make no important decisions or commitments for one year after the funeral -- and that includes remarrying to avoid being lonely. Rushing into marriage to solve loneliness issues isn’t fair to your new spouse or even to yourself.

Look for signs that you've adequately processed your grief, can comfortably talk about your deceased spouse without overwhelming sadness, feel positive about the future, are open to new relationships without feeling like you're replacing your former partner, and have a sense of personal stability and self-worth, even without a partner; if you have doubts, consider seeking professional guidance from a therapist.

A beautiful, tender, thriving marriage makes the gospel visible on earth, bringing hope to people who have given up believing there could be any love anywhere for them.

(Genesis 2) tells us that God had a design for marriage from the beginning.

This article will help guide you to a Christ-centered marriage. Check it out.

 August 17, 2023.

What Place Does Jesus Have In Your Marriage?

Written by Ellen Mary Dykas

Yes, that’s the question I invite you to ponder, sisters and brothers. I’m not asking if you believe in God or if you pray and go to church together. My question aims at your heart: is Christ central in your marriage, or is he a friendly neighbor? Do you push Jesus aside, expecting your spouse to meet all your needs, give you an identity, complete you?…

When Jesus isn’t in his rightful place, marriages (and all relationships!) will struggle. No person can fill his shoes as our eternal bridegroom, friend, heart-healer, and so much more; Christ alone is our loving Creator, Lord, and Savior…

The Three Legged-Stool Marriage welcomes Jesus as the third leg holding up the marriage. The problem is that he’s understood to be one of three equal partners: wife, husband, and Jesus. But the Bible says Jesus is to have supremacy—the first place (Col. 1:18)—in all things, including your marriage.

Over time, a new kind of spiritual and relational intimacy grows as two spouses prioritize loving and trusting Jesus as their source of life, security, meaning, and unfailing love.

The Spouse-Centered Marriage displaces Jesus as central in the relationship and demands that your spouse provide what can only be found in Jesus: unfailing love, identity, and value. Marriage is a gift, but it was never intended to displace the Giver of that gift. When God says, “You shall have no other gods before me” (Ex. 20:3–5), he means it!

As common as these two views are among believers, God has something better for you: a Christ-Centered Marriage. Over time, a new kind of spiritual and relational intimacy grows as two spouses prioritize loving and trusting Jesus as their source of life, security, meaning, and unfailing love.

Repenting of Spouse Idolatry by Re-Placing Jesus 

“Re-placing Jesus” refers to at least two steps of obedience. First, a humble acknowledgement that, somewhere along the way, other people or things have displaced Jesus as Lord over your heart and marriage. The Scriptures clearly point to the beauty of marriage and the gift of shared, committed love over a lifetime. Though sin pollutes and erodes marital intimacy, friendship, and mutual enjoyment, God gave marriage as a gift for his people and ultimately as a signpost to his eternal, selfless, steadfast love for us (see Isa. 54:5, 62:5; Eph. 5:31-32; Rev. 19:7, 21:9–11).

A Christ-centered marriage will exhibit two spouses as needy saints who continue to sin yet look to the gospel for help.

Second, God calls you to proactively, consistently cultivate your relationship with Jesus and receive discipleship about how he created marriage to work. After all, all things were created by, through, and for him (Col. 1:16), including your marriage. Reach out to mature Christians and ask for prayer and encouragement. Look for singles and married people who honor Christ in their lives and couples who don’t present as having it all together. A Christ-centered marriage will exhibit two spouses as needy saints who continue to sin yet look to the gospel for help. Ask how they weather the hard times, how they’ve kept Christ as their priority, and what they do to grow as lovers of Jesus together as a couple.

Your view of marriage may not be what God wants it to be right now, yet Jesus never runs away—not even when we displace him with gifts. Friend, are you married? Look to Christ! Are you dating someone special? Look to Christ! Cry out to him as your only worthy Lord and the only source of unfailing, unwavering love.

That design was for the husband and the wife to be united as one:  not just the physical oneness in their sexual relationship but also spiritual, emotional and intellectual union.

Medically reviewed by Nicole Washington, DO, MPH — Written by Traci Pedersen — Updated on May 6, 2022

Though grief can have a significant effect on the brain, these changes are temporary for most people. The brain is resilient and able to rebalance itself over time, even after very painful experiences.

If you feel like grief is overwhelming your ability to function, consider reaching out for help. A mental health professional can help you learn healthy coping mechanisms to keep grief from settling into depression.

The following may help assist in the overall healing process:

• counseling or cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT)

• support groups

• journaling

• meditation

• exercise

• yoga or martial arts

• creative hobbies, like drawing, knitting, and writing

While prolonged grief can change the way you see the world and make regular day-to-day activities more difficult, there’s no science showing these effects are permanent.

There isn’t a specific timetable for grief, but many people begin to feel better after several months and will continue their healing journey throughout the years.

Watch for January workshop on Grief and New Beginnings

You noticed disturbing behavior in an aging loved one during the holidays. You are already feeling stressful conflict in your marriage because of your concerns.

What can you do? How do you approach them with your concerns?

When approaching an aging loved one about concerns you see, prioritize empathy, open communication, and a focus on their feelings by actively listening, using "I" statements to express your concerns, asking questions to understand their perspective, and offering solutions collaboratively while assuring them of your support and love; be patient, respectful, and choose a calm moment to have the conversation. 

Key points to remember: 

Start with empathy:

Acknowledge their feelings and perspective on aging, validating their concerns about losing independence. 

Choose the right time:

•  Find a quiet moment when they are relaxed and receptive to conversation. 

• Focus on specific concerns.

• Don't make broad generalizations; instead, point out specific situations or behaviors you've observed. 

Use "I" statements:

Frame your concerns around how their actions are impacting you, like "I worry when I see you struggling to get up the stairs". 

Ask open-ended questions:

Encourage them to share their thoughts and feelings by asking questions like "How do you feel about managing your medications?" 

Offer solutions collaboratively:

• Present options for support while respecting their autonomy, like suggesting home care assistance or a medical check-up. 

• Be patient and listen actively:

• Let them express their concerns without interrupting and truly listen to their perspective. 

• Reassure them of your support:

• Emphasize that you are there to help and want the best for them. 

 What to avoid: 

• Confrontational language: Avoid accusatory language or making them feel like they are being criticized. 

• Making assumptions: Don't assume you know their needs without asking them directly. 

• Rushing the conversation: Allow time for them to process information and ask questions. 

• Ignoring their feelings: Dismissing their concerns or minimizing their experiences can lead to further resistance. 

If needed, consider involving professionals: 

• Doctor: Consult their doctor to discuss potential health concerns and care options. 

• Geriatric social worker: Seek guidance on navigating elder care services and potential challenges. 

• Family therapist: If communication becomes strained, consider family therapy to facilitate open dialogue. 

Medically reviewed by Nicole Washington, DO, MPH — Written by Traci Pedersen — Updated on May 6, 2022

Grief can make you feel forgetful, spacey, and unable to express your thoughts. These effects are likely temporary.

Losing a loved one is a natural and universal life event, but that does not make it any easier. The death of those close to us is one of the greatest stressors we face as humans.

Grief impacts us emotionally and physically. The intensity of this loss can lead to a symptom known as grief brain. When this happens, you may find yourself having trouble sleeping, concentrating, and remembering simple things.

This symptom is a typical part of grief. For most people, it goes away by itself over time.

What is grief brain?

Grief can rewire our brain in a way that worsens memory, cognition, and concentration. You might feel spacey, forgetful, or unable to make “good” decisions. It might also be difficult to speak or express yourself.

These effects are known as grief brain.

Acute grief refers to the symptoms a person experiences during the first 6 months after losing a loved one. These are usually the most intense.

Your days may involve a mixture of yearning and sadness along with constant thoughts, memories, and images of the loved one. Small tasks can feel overwhelming and exhausting.

In a typical grieving process, these symptoms tend to decrease over time. You’ll notice sharper thoughts and clearer memories coming back.

Everyone is different, and for some, grief lasts a little longer. If symptoms last longer than 12 months, it may be diagnosed as prolonged grief disorder.

The longer that intense symptoms last, the greater the chance of developing longer-term changes in your brain and body. Grief can also affect your immune system, heart, and brain.

What are the effects of grief on the brain?

The brain reacts to grief or emotional trauma in the same way it handles stress.

Although low levels of stress can be a good thing, chronic stress is not. Grief that lasts for weeks, months, or longer can push the body into a state of chronic stress.

Chronic stress puts the brain into long-term survival mode. This means:

• Fight-or-flight hormones are released.

• Your heart rate increases.

• Blood flows to the more emotional and fear-based parts of your brain instead of the higher thinking regions.

Your prefrontal cortex, which is an area of the brain highly involved in decision-making, becomes less active. At the same time, your limbic system, which is all about survival, takes over.

Depending on the severity (strength) of the emotional response, the brain starts to rewire its regular nerve connections and create new pathways. In other words, more emotional and fear-based thoughts start to replace your long-held beliefs about the world.

Constant reminders of the loved one’s passing, like their favorite shirt or TV show, continue to trigger the stress response and make these new pathways stronger.

Over time, grief can affect:

• attention

• memory

• decision-making

• the ability to choose words and express yourself with the right language

• information processing speed

• cognitive functions that rely on movement and depth perception

Watch for January workshop on Grief and New Beginnings

A major sign that aging parents need help is a significant decline in their ability to manage basic daily activities, such as:

• Maintaining personal hygiene

• Keeping their home clean

• Preparing meals

• Managing finances or taking medications

These warning signs are often accompanied by noticeable changes in mood, behavior, or physical mobility. 

Dad had had too many accidents, a speeding ticket and other driving problems to be safe on the road. His driving had already been restricted to daylight only. He had barely passed his driving test.

There were 3 accidents that my brother reminded me of. We needed help so we anonymously reported Dad to the DMV.  My brother also discovered that several of their neighbors had reported him so the DMV required another driving test which he failed.

We finally got him off the road.

The "worst" problem is often considered to be the overwhelming feeling of loneliness and isolation, stemming from the loss of a significant other who was a central part of your life, daily routine, and shared future, leaving you to navigate life alone and potentially grappling with a sense of incompleteness. 

Widowed Village local social groups can help. There is no cost to join Widowed Village but any widowed people who want to attend events must join Widowed Village for the protection of all. This vetting process is very important.

Click here for details and to attend events: https://widowedvillage.org/event-region/south-orange-county/

Watch for January workshop on Grief and New Beginnings

Help your elders fight loneliness by trying to get them to family holiday events.  For those who are widowed suggest my site below so they can join Widowed Village and attend our events. Peer-to-peer fellowship can help the widowed with loneliness.

https://widowedvillage.org/event-region/south-orange-county/

NOTE: Widowed people are invited to join Widowed Village for the protection of all. There is no cost to belong.

#recentlywidowed #widowed #death

How long should I be grieving the loss of my wife/husband?

 Realistically there is no set timeframe for how long you should grieve the loss of your wife; grief is a personal process that can last for months, years, or even a lifetime, with the most intense feelings often present in the first year, and the intensity gradually lessening over time; it's important to allow yourself to grieve at your own pace and seek support when needed.

 How do I move forward?

 Start by allowing yourself to grieve fully, acknowledge your loss, take care of your physical and mental health, seek support from loved ones or a grief counseling group, and gradually rebuild your life by engaging in activities you enjoy while accepting that your emotions will fluctuate over time. 

 More answers are found in my grief workshops coming in January, 2025. This YouTube explains more…

 https://youtu.be/OGJj4YOlCWs

Watch for January workshop on Grief and New Beginnings

1.    Poor hygiene: may indicate emotional issues.

2.    A messy or disorganized house: indicates something isn’t right.

3.    Poorly maintained house: indicates they might benefit from extra help.

4.    Mismanaged finances: may indicate memory or depression issues.

5.    Poorly maintained or damaged car: may indicate driving issues

6.    Unhealthy eating habits: may result in an unhealthy amount of weight loss or gain.

7.    Mood changes or swings: can be signs of depression or loneliness. Watch for a lack of interest in hobbies and activities they used to enjoy.

8.    Forgetfulness or confusion: may indicate memory issues

9.    Trouble getting up: may indicate movement issues.

10. Unexplained bruises or injuries: may indicate falls around the house.

I recently announced the new social groups now available in South Orange County, CA through Soaring Spirits International and Widowed Village.

Please check out https://soaringspirits.org for helpful resources and support for widowed people.

Here’s the link for the group listings everywhere: https://widowedvillage.org/event-region/south-orange-county/

My local South OC (CA) groups are growing and we all look forward to helping you through the holidays.

Have a great holiday season!

Watch for January workshop on Grief and New Beginnings

As you enter holidays and other significant “couple” days here are some tips to help you or a grieving friend through their Year of Firsts

1.   Don’t Be Blindsided

 Awareness of the approaching anniversary, birthday, holiday or time of year helps you not to be caught off guard. Know these dates are coming. Don’t let them sneak up on you.  Protect yourself.

 2.   Ignoring These Special Days Won’t Help You

 It may be tempting to think about just ignoring it and letting the day pass. That won’t help! Don’t miss the opportunities you have to share the day with those who care about you. Missing these opportunities may mean spending the day alone at a time when you need others to surround you. A friend of mine took me out to breakfast on Cal’s birthday and the kids and I had dinner at his favorite restaurant that night.

 Grief is a journey and the first year has many milestones of living life without your person. It is not about forgetting that person, it is finding new ways to live life without them.

 3.   Planning Can Help

 Make plans to mark the upcoming occasion. I make trips to the cemetery on some of these significant days. It might mean spending a holiday together with other widowed people. Include your family when possible.

 4.   Acknowledge Your Loss

 Ignoring the day doesn’t work. Facing the loss directly is a much healthier way to cope.

You might choose to acknowledge your loss privately by visiting the cemetery or going to church to say a prayer or to communicate with your loved one. When spending the day with others who share your loss it may be good to include a mention, toast, or other remembrance of the one who died. We all released balloons to commemorate Cal’s birthday that first year.

 5.   Being Alone Isn’t Always Good

 Avoid spending the day alone, if at all possible. Do something you enjoy with someone special.

 The idea is to own your loss, making every effort to celebrate the occasion in a way that is pleasant. This is a good way to cope with the Year of Firsts and can lead you toward healing.

Do you know someone who is grieving?

 I was interviewed on Inside Marcy’s Mind on September 25th “Candy Corn to Community: Inside Marcy's Mind on Small Joys and Widowed Support Groups” and start at 12:00 to hear me. Here’s the link: https://www.buzzsprout.com/2359019

We discussed my being widowed and how Widowed Village ministers to those who have lost their love partner. We covered some of the implications of widowhood for both men and women and I announced the new social groups now available in South Orange County, CA.  

If you know of anyone who is widowed or has lost their love partner please send them to my site below so they can join Widowed Village and attend our events.

https://widowedvillage.org/event-region/south-orange-county/

NOTE: Widowed people are invited to join Widowed Village for the protection of all. There is no cost to belong.

#grief #widowed #widow #death #widower

Let’s face it, the term “widowed parent” is a double whammy. To be widowed is one thing. To be sure, being widowed and a parent doubles the challenge.

Grief Counselor, Justin Yopp, PhD shares…

“I see firsthand how hard it is to assume the roles of someone grieving and someone parenting. Add a tough job to a rough time (think: mourning, grieving, bereavement) in one’s life… and it’s time to get some support.”

Here’s a national organization for support to widowed parents across the country, with a website www.widowedparent.org*.

*It started with a support group they formed, in which seven widowed fathers sat together to talk about the challenges they were facing in their “new lives without their spouse” and feeling overwhelmed with simultaneously grieving and raising their children.

1.) Others don’t understand the loss of their dearest companion.

2.)  Stages of grief are discussed from a different perspective. We are reminded that people don’t move through the stages in any predictable manner.

3.) We are reminded that grief is unique and grieving persons are warned not to compare themselves with another person.

4.) Non-grieving people don’t fully understand the level of loss the grieving person has suffered

A.) Do they know the suffering caused by the loss of a future with the deceased partner?

B.)  Do they fully appreciate all the life events that the grieving partner will face alone?

For more consider Miriam Neff’s  book which facilitates a deeper understanding of grief. https://www.moodypublishers.com/from-one-widow-to-another/?srsltid=AfmBOooFlhwdlmrD5rjw5k5e5Ie6iUIpBBIsw0oJNG8CMQ3VxjjoRMk1