How to Help Aging Loved Ones and Preserve Your Marriage

You noticed disturbing behavior in an aging loved one during the holidays. You are already feeling stressful conflict in your marriage because of your concerns.

What can you do? How do you approach them with your concerns?

When approaching an aging loved one about concerns you see, prioritize empathy, open communication, and a focus on their feelings by actively listening, using "I" statements to express your concerns, asking questions to understand their perspective, and offering solutions collaboratively while assuring them of your support and love; be patient, respectful, and choose a calm moment to have the conversation. 

Key points to remember: 

Start with empathy:

Acknowledge their feelings and perspective on aging, validating their concerns about losing independence. 

Choose the right time:

  •  Find a quiet moment when they are relaxed and receptive to conversation. 

  • Focus on specific concerns.

  • Don't make broad generalizations; instead, point out specific situations or behaviors you've observed. 

Use "I" statements:

Frame your concerns around how their actions are impacting you, like "I worry when I see you struggling to get up the stairs". 

Ask open-ended questions:

Encourage them to share their thoughts and feelings by asking questions like "How do you feel about managing your medications?" 

Offer solutions collaboratively:

  • Present options for support while respecting their autonomy, like suggesting home care assistance or a medical check-up. 

  • Be patient and listen actively:

  • Let them express their concerns without interrupting and truly listen to their perspective. 

  • Reassure them of your support:

  • Emphasize that you are there to help and want the best for them. 

 What to avoid: 

  • Confrontational language: Avoid accusatory language or making them feel like they are being criticized. 

  • Making assumptions: Don't assume you know their needs without asking them directly. 

  • Rushing the conversation: Allow time for them to process information and ask questions. 

  • Ignoring their feelings: Dismissing their concerns or minimizing their experiences can lead to further resistance. 

If needed, consider involving professionals: 

  • Doctor: Consult their doctor to discuss potential health concerns and care options. 

  • Geriatric social worker: Seek guidance on navigating elder care services and potential challenges. 

  • Family therapist: If communication becomes strained, consider family therapy to facilitate open dialogue. 

 

Jeanne Gormick