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Ask each other how they feel about having children. How large a family do they want?
If children are already involved, protect them from being in the relationship prematurely.
Protect their young hearts from your potential break-ups. Take your time before introducing them to your dates.
1. What kinds of things do you think about as you go about your day? Or during your idle time?
2. What do you do during your free time?
3. Are you involved with any community volunteer organizations?
4. What is your favorite bible verse?
5. When you pray, do you read prescribed prayers, or are you a spontaneous prayer warrior?
Plan for coffee, a drink or a meal
Anywhere where you can talk and, to be safe, there are other people are around
The movies might not be a best first date unless you go somewhere to talk afterwards.
HEAD - what do you need on a practical level - Where do you want to live, want kids? Discuss, parenting, family life, pets, finances, retirement plans, politics, religion - spiritual intimacy, education, health and fitness, vacation styles, etc. These are all easier with early discussions.
HEART – what do you need on an emotional level? Evaluate the level of engagement when you talk to that person. Watch their sense of humor, communication style, mutual admiration. Trust is developing thru emotional intimacy. You both need to feel safe, seen, and understood.
(MY NOTE meaningful relationships require trust and trust is built over time.)
HEAT – what do you need on a physical level Looks, age, sex appeal, weight, height, style, physical intimacy preferences, compatibility – it’s about chemistry
1.) Tell me about your spiritual journey
2.) Have you ever asked Jesus into your heart? Tell me about that.
3.) Do you have a personal relationship with Him, separate from your parent’s faith?
Lists work for business plans, why not create one for your life plan!
Have you created a dating list yet?
Be sure to pray before beginning the list?
Be fruitful and multiply…
Of course you might have children but how will being in a relationship make you more fruitful in other ways? Might it become a distraction?
1. I’m X number of years old – biological clock is ticking
2. Your parents want grandkids
3. All your friends are in relationships
4. You’ve reached where you want to be in your career
5. You’re bored
1.) Use a separate dating email and a fictitious name for the account.
2.) Get a free Google phone number. Avoid using your real number or name until you are completely sure you are dating a good person.
Rachel Pace, Expert Blogger
15 Marriage Mistakes That Can Lead to Divorce
By Rachael Pace, Expert Blogger
Marriage can be challenging for many reasons, including the need to be the best couple. Then again, there’s no filter in a marriage, and you see all sides of both of you. You are emotionally and physically in very close proximity, making it hard to avoid marriage mistakes.
The possibility of making mistakes can be terrifying if you don’t have the tools to manage yourself and your reactions. It can become too easy to make a marriage mistake that starts snowballing later.
However, you are not alone, as almost every married couple faces these issues. In this article, we will go through some key marriage mistakes and the reason behind them.
Top causes for a marriage gone wrong
Many reasons can lead to a marriage deteriorating, including lack of intimacy and communication. Check out this list if you want to review more causes and gain a better understanding.
You can add many things to that list, including incompatibility and lack of teamwork. More fundamentally, psychologists have now summarized things that destroy marriage as not having psychological flexibility.
Psychological flexibility means being present for each other without distractions. You are also emotionally wise such that you don’t obsess on feelings and thoughts.
With psychological flexibility, you don’t over-focus on yourself but can see your partner’s viewpoints more compassionately. It’s the perfect way to avoid a marriage mistake.
Related Reading: 10 Most Common Reasons for Divorce
15 mistakes that can destroy a marriage
How do you know when your marriage is falling apart? Of course, there are two people behind a marriage gone wrong, and both play a part. Nevertheless, you’re the only one you can control.
Try to make changes in your own behavior, and they might motivate your spouse to change their bad behavior too. If fears and self-doubt govern your life, you might easily make a marriage mistake from the list below.
1. Miscommunication
Studies show that communication consistently comes up as one of the main things that destroy a marriage. It’s also very easy to fall into this marriage mistake because we constantly make assumptions about the world around us.
We all have busy lives, and often, we simply don’t prioritize talking to each other. That usually leads us to make assumptions about our partners. Perhaps we then make one of the common marriage mistakes and draw the wrong conclusions about what our spouse is thinking.
Miscommunication in marriage makes people bottle up their feelings and end up bitter and twisted. Instead, we should be brave and share our needs maturely with our partners. Of course, that doesn’t mean they’re going to listen but give them a chance.
Related Reading: How Does a Lack of Communication Cause Conflict in Marriage
2. Unclear roles
Things that destroy a marriage often involve the roles we assume. We can even resent some of those roles if, for example, you’re always the one doing the housework.
Another example of a marriage gone wrong that divorce lawyers often see is when the gender roles have been reversed. Tensions can arise when women in traditional marriages start making more money and focusing more on their careers.
Although, studies show that the reasons aren’t conclusive and probably have more to do with the time commitment to the marriage rather than gender-related reasons. Regardless, shifting roles in a marriage can create issues if these happen when only one partner is happy with them.
3. Taking each other for granted
How do you know when your marriage is falling apart? Are you making the common marriage mistake of not prioritizing each other? We all have needs, and many people expect those to be met within a marriage. Of course, we like independence, but we also cherish being nurtured.
When asking yourself: “what is wrong with my marriage” try to reflect on how much you thank each other. Overall, it helps make sure that communication stays positive and makes both of you feel good.
If you can’t make simple gestures to show appreciation, then you’ll also forget why you got married in the first place. That’s when negativity and doubt set in and start destroying the marriage.
Related Reading: Don’t Take Your Spouse for Granted! 4 Things to Say
4. Misunderstanding the differences
If you’re wondering, “how do you know when your marriage is falling apart” look no further than the conflict that comes from differences. Happy marriages work well despite the differences. Those couples know how to leverage those differences to create the ultimate team.
Communication Specialist James L. Creighton, in his book ‘Loving Through Your Differences,’ mentions that differences are common in marriages and they can be detrimental to marriages. However, by changing your perspective, you can reframe the dynamics of your relationship for the better.
5. Unresolved triggers
Many of us have a wounded child inside of us who sometimes lashes out when we least expect it. Those triggers can confuse and alienate those closest to us. Generally, our partners don’t understand where those reactions come from, so they don’t know how to support us.
Unresolved triggers can make us angry and judgemental, making it very difficult for our partners to live with us. This marriage mistake is tough to handle because it means reconnecting with your emotions and processing internal pain.
If this sounds like you, it’s always worth talking to a marriage therapist to free yourself from your inner pain and start living life to the full.
6. Misaligned values and prioritization
Values are those internal beliefs that drive our actions and behaviors. If you’re asking yourself, “why is my marriage falling apart” but you just can’t quite put your finger on it, your values might conflict.
Many of us don’t necessarily know how to articulate our values. When someone does something that jars you, it’s because someone has overstepped your boundaries or they’ve clashed with one of your values.
The easiest way to think about values is to consider what you prioritize in life. For example, is it family, commitment, or respect? What about lifestyle, forgiveness, and self-discipline? Then again, how different are your approaches to work-life balance?
Some of these will be deep beliefs that neither of you will want to shift, and a common marriage mistake is to think that they will.
7. Fuzzy boundaries
As mentioned, boundaries are important within any relationship. Any boundaries that aren’t clearly understood can lead to disconnect and then even resentment.
Depending on how long after getting together you got married, one of you might still be making the marriage mistake of being a bit of a people pleaser. The real you will come out at some point, which could be too much for your partner.
That’s why it’s important to be true to yourself and understand what you need from a marriage. For instance, how will you balance your need for independence and collaboration? What about having enough alone time but also spending the right amount of time together?
Related Reading: 10 Personal Boundaries You Need in Your Relationship
8. Expecting mind-reading
A common marriage mistake is to assume that your partner knows exactly what you’re thinking and what you need right now. No matter how close you are, no one can read your mind ever. So, if you’re asking yourself, “why is my marriage falling apart” perhaps reassess your expectations for your partner.
Before giving up on marriage, try to remember all the times you jumped to conclusions about what your partner was saying. If you’re honest with yourself, you might be surprised how many times you’ve assumed mind-reading was a skill.
We all expect things from our spouses, and that is perfectly natural. But it is easy to simply ask your partner what they think. Try it as it can actually be liberating for both of you.
9. No financial and parenting goal-setting
Most of us need financial security to feel safe and independent. If, on the other hand, you can’t agree on this fundamental need for security, then you might be asking yourself, “what is wrong with my marriage.”
Financial planning involves comparing and agreeing on life goals. These are typical things that destroy a marriage when misaligned. That’s because they tap into our values and how we want to approach life. It’s the same with how we raise kids.
If your approaches are so different, you might constantly go separate ways and even start saying conflicting things to your kids. It will introduce a state of confusion and uncertainty for the whole family. How you know when your marriage is falling apart is through these signs.
Related Reading: 35 Relationship Goals for Couples & Tips to Achieve Them
10. Impossible expectations
In a marriage, the main thing to remember is that we’re human, and no one is perfect. A typical marriage mistake is to buy into the Hollywood and Walt Disney myth that we’ll live happily ever after.
On the contrary, walking down the aisle with the ring on your finger means accepting your humanity, being vulnerable, and adapting to life together. No one can live up to impossible expectations, including the best couples.
11. Taking the wrong approach to communication
When you’re married, communication is key. However, some couples make mistakes when it comes to communicating. Some people say things they shouldn’t, while others aren’t comfortable expressing themselves at all.
When this happens, it often leads to conflict in marriage. And as a result, a couple may end up splitting up. To avoid this, it’s important to avoid saying things that you know your partner won’t like.
This includes criticizing them or speaking negatively about them in front of other people.
12. Arguing about everything
One of the most common causes of divorce is arguing all the time. When a couple argues constantly, they tend to distance themselves from one another. And this can lead to big problems.
To avoid arguments, it’s important to learn how to communicate in a more productive way. This may mean learning how to express your feelings without using harsh words or making negative comments about your partner. If you need help learning how to communicate effectively, counseling can help.
13. Being rude and inconsiderate towards your partner
A lack of respect for your partner can cause a lot of problems in your marriage. And it can also lead to a split if left untreated.
For example, if your attitude is causing problems at home, you need to make a change if you want to save the relationship. Many relationships can be saved if the couple is willing to work on improving how they treat each other.
14. Not understanding your spouse’s needs
Another cause of divorce is failing to understand the needs of your spouse. Even if you and your partner have different interests, you should still make an effort to spend time together. This will allow you to learn about each other and strengthen your bond as a couple.
At the same time, you should show your partner that you care about them and their needs. This will help to strengthen the relationship and prevent it from getting too rocky.
15. Focusing on your career instead of your relationship
Another common cause of divorce is being too busy with your work or school to focus on your relationship. This can lead to feelings of resentment and unhappiness on both sides.
If this occurs, it’s important to take time to reconnect with your partner. And you can do this by spending time together and doing activities that you both enjoy.
While no one factor can cause a divorce on its own, these are some of the most common causes. By taking time to address these issues, you can help strengthen the bond between you and your partner and avoid a breakup in the future.
How to avoid a divorce
Divorce is one of the most dreaded things that can happen in a marriage. It can be a very difficult process, and it is often accompanied by feelings of sadness and betrayal. But there are ways to avoid a divorce, and it is important to do everything possible to keep your marriage together.
Know more about it here: 3 Tips on How to Avoid a Divorce
More questions on marriage mistakes that can lead to divorce
If you are wondering how marriage mistakes can lead tp divorce, check out these questions to know more:
Why do we make mistakes in marriages?
You might now be asking yourself why couples do things that destroy a marriage. Remember that you’re human, and all of us have different experiences that have got us to this point in life. It is hard to change our habits and perspectives to meld our life with another person.
As mentioned initially, if we haven’t learned psychological flexibility, we could be overwhelmed by our anxieties, fears, and even mental issues. This can compel us to make marriage mistakes that damage our relationship.
Of course, it’s hard to change things about us that seem natural. Nevertheless, if someone is willing to change, there’s always hope. Change always starts with ourselves, and it’s important to know how emotionally agile you are to deal with the journey.
Is it normal to feel like you made a mistake after getting married?
Marriage is a big step in any relationship. When you get married, you are not just joining another person in a partnership; you are also joining two families together. This can mean that your lifestyles become very different, and it can be a difficult adjustment to make.
It is important to be patient with your partner during this transition. It may take time for you and your new spouse to get used to one another’s lives, but once you do, your marriage can be very happy and rewarding.
What percentage of married people regret getting married?
There are several studies that have tried to estimate the number of couples who experience marital dissatisfaction at some point in their marriage.
These studies show that up to 40% of couples experience significant marital dissatisfaction over the duration of their marriage. Unfortunately, many of these marriages end in divorce. But it is possible to avoid the pitfalls that often lead to divorce by taking steps to strengthen your relationship and maintain a happy marriage.
Takeaway
Marriage is a journey. You can choose a road where both of you feel at ease and cared for. Alternatively, you can opt for the path where you compete against each other and win one over.
Making a marriage mistake isn’t just about simple actions; it’s about your approach to your partner. Use the mistakes mentioned here as your guide, and try to avoid making these mistakes in your marriage.
How you integrate each other into your lives and blend your strengths and weaknesses is what matters. A great way to start the journey is to remember that it’s better to be kind than to be right.
Rachael Pace Expert Blogger
Rachael Pace is a noted relationship writer associated with Marriage.com. She provides inspiration, support, and empowerment in the form of motivational articles and essays. Rachael enjoys studying the evolution of loving partnerships
My parents weren’t happy about my choice in Cal, but as stated in my book Your Treasured Marriage (see the book tab for more info):
“The greatest blessing I have enjoyed from being a part of Cal’s wonderfully close-knit, family is their sense of family. They showed me how to have a close family. My desire to join an ethnic family through our intercultural marriage turned out to be a good choice.
I learned what Genesis 2:24 meant firsthand by leaving my father’s home to become one flesh with my husband. This has given me the freedom to grow into the woman of God he wants me to be … but it has not been easy.”
Maybe this devotional can help you:
Us Against the World: Our Secrets to Love, Marriage, & Family: Day 1 • Devotional
https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/18386/day/1?segment=0
#marriage #relationships
You are not invading his or her privacy. You are protecting yourself and your family.
Here are our top picks for background checks for dating: Which Is Best For Your Needs?
TruthFinder - Best for searching the deep web for different types of info
BeenVerified - Best for social media information
CheckPeople - Best for simple and easy-to-read report
Instant CheckMate - Best for customizing your reports
iD True - Best for quick results
Intelius - Best for flexible background check reports
Persopo - Best for unlimited database searches
SearchQuarry - Best for one-off background checks
PeopleWhiz - Best for highly confidential background checks
Spokeo - Affordably priced background checks
#backgroundcheck #safety #dating
Please consider this:
Dating With Purpose: Day 1 • Devotional
https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/2780/day/1?segment=0
#dating #purpose
Check this out:
21 Days of Rightful Relationships: Day 1 • Devotional
https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/1617/day/1?segment=0
#answers #relationships
Here’s my story - from my book Your Treasured Marriage (see the book tab for more info):
“His health problems led to his battle with depression and that changed him too, but he remained the same caring, sweet man somewhere way beneath on some days and close to the surface on others. He changed, but our commitment to one another didn’t.
I found online that there could be medical reasons for the emotional changes I began seeing in Cal. It became obvious why he was sometimes a “grumpy old man.” This helped me understand him better—at least in theory!
Admittedly, sometimes the frustration got to me though.”
Maybe this can devotional can help you:
Love Your Husband Challenge: Day 1 • Devotional
https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/14417/day/1?segment=0
#husbands #wives #marriage
These are from licensed professional counselor, Dave Gutknecht, Denver, CO. They can give your first date communication somewhere to start…
1. What kinds of things do you think about as you go about your day? Or during your idle time?
2. What do you do during your free time?
3. Are you involved with any community volunteer organizations?
4. What is your favorite bible verse?
5. When you pray do you read prescribed prayers or are you a spontaneous prayer warrior?
Depending on the answers follow the flow and ask other questions that come to mind. #datingquestions #dating
Dave and Chrissy Gutknecht
Let me share our experiences - from my book Your Treasured Marriage (see the book tab for more info):
“So, given Dad’s recent history of falls, cognitive deficit, and his need for 24-hour care, we decided it was time for a permanent move to the Assisted Living Community. This provided us peace of mind, so we began preparing him for the move.”
As we saw my Dad decline, we focused on resources like these. Hopefully, they can help you too.
Helpful Government Resources
Americans with Disabilities Act National Network
Benefits.gov – Make sure your elderly parent is receiving all the benefits available. This site has a comprehensive Benefit Finder tool that provides information on federal, state and local programs across different agencies.
Department of Veterans Affairs
Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act
Medicare – This is the site for the federal health insurance system for elders and those with certain disabilities. Along with information about obtaining Medicare, you can find information for family caregivers.
National Association of Area Agencies on Aging
U.S. Senators and U.S. Representatives
#aging #aginglovedones
Consider this:
Good to Know: Day 28 • Devotional
https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/34619/day/28?segment=0
#dating #love
This might help from a Chapter Wrap Up in my book Your Treasured Marriage (see the book tab for more info):
“Write a letter to your husband today telling him all the things you appreciate about his role in your life.”
Or try this devotional plan:
Love Is a Verb!: Day 1 • Devotional
https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/43552/day/1?segment=0
#dating #marriage
Is there constant conflict in your relationship?
Let me share from my book Your Treasured Marriage (see the book tab for more info):
“We struggled for several days to understand each other’s hurt. Cal was falling apart and blaming me for his misery in the marriage. I knew that since he was struggling to find his own career direction, it was difficult for him to watch me grow in my own home-based business venture.
It was obvious I had to learn ways to become his best friend again. Things like not fighting over the unimportant stuff, working on not being so selfish, having more excitement before going on a trip, and being more spontaneous (and joyful) about planning BBQs and picnics. He shared that he felt taken for granted and unappreciated.We struggled for several days to understand each other’s hurt.
Cal was falling apart and blaming me for his misery in the marriage. I knew that since he was struggling to find his own career direction, it was difficult for him to watch me grow in my own home-based business venture.”
This might help you…
Love After Marriage: Steps to Reconciliation: Day 1 • Devotional
https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/43677/day/1?segment=0
#marriage #reconciliation #forgiveness
