We had just returned to California, when Dave emailed:
“On Dad's way to church today he had a collision with a cow that was in the road. He says the cow ran into him, spun him around and the car went off down a bank into the field - about 50 feet. He was unhurt, but the car has major damage. We don't know about the cow. It ran off.”
Following the incident with the cow, the attorney offered to drop off the estate papers; so Dad wouldn't have to drive 50 miles in bad weather…but Dad flatly refused! Once his car was repaired, he insisted upon driving himself to the attorney’s office.
Then Dave discovered that his medication was making him sleepy, causing us additional driving concerns. He wasn’t on any other medications, so we thought the driving issues had been resolved, but…
Five months later, Dave’s Office Manager said several neighbors told her about some of the near misses they had witnessed.
Simultaneously, Dave discovered that his doctor had added another medication. In researching the side effects of this new drug, Dave found that it can cause permanent loss of mental capacity. He discussed this with Dad and suggested he make a choice between continuing to drive and taking the new med. Dad immediately denied having any loss of mental capacity.
Then Dad was diagnosed with Cataracts, which leads to a decrease in vision and he was told that he should not be driving at night.
By January, Dad had begun driving after dark again. He would get up at noon, have lunch, take a nap then go into town in the late afternoon. As a result, he didn't have enough time to get back before dark. Dave offered to come pick him up, but Dad never called.
Dave shared that our normally law abiding father had been stopped by the police twice, because of his erratic nighttime driving. They called Dave to come get Dad.
Armed with this new information, Dave took the keys away from Dad, whenever he noticed that he wasn't fit to drive. Dad got very upset that Dave was interfering with his life.
Finally Dave had to give him an ultimatum. If the police called him to rescue Dad again, he would request that they suspend his license…
On top of this, Dad received his first speeding ticket ever! His explanation…he was simply following the car in front of him, going at the same speed. He seemed to have an excuse for everything!
Dave had become so desperate over Dad’s driving that he asked for my help, so I emailed the following to the NY State DMV:
“My brother and 93 year old elderly Dad live together in upstate NY. I am in CA. My brother has finally decided that Dad has had too many accidents, a speeding ticket and other driving problems to be safe on the road. His driving has already been restricted to daylight driving only. He barely passed his driving test a few months ago. Is there a way to ANONYMOUSLY report a parent who is now an unsafe driver due to age?”
They explained that Dad needed another Driver Review. They wouldn't just take away his license. We hoped this would make him finally listen to Dave about his driving.
Dave responded with more details of Dad’s latest accident…
“Dad went into a ditch on today. This time he had no excuses. The weather was clear and it was in the daytime. He was headed north, so the sun could not have been in his eyes. He said something about the speed limit change and a curve. It made no sense to me. Yes, the road turns there and the speed limit changes, but so what! Someone beat us to the punch in reporting him. There are others trying to get him to give up driving. I am trying to get him to stop voluntarily, before he is forced to. I told him that I would take him to his Driver Review Road Test. I reminded him that they would ask both of us questions. I told him I will answer their questions truthfully and completely and I will not cover for him. So, now he says he will arrange for someone else to go with him to the Road Test…”
Dave sent me an email update:
“Dad hasn't gone anywhere all week, since we picked up his car at the body shop. As a result of the letter he received (from the DMV), I gave him a lecture and asked him to voluntarily stop driving and he seems to be moving again on matters of the estate and Jon's affairs (our younger brother). He’s really very depressed about the possibility of losing his license. I talked with him this AM about home care having a driving service. He was very enthusiastic about it. He didn't know such a service was available. He is willing to use it.”
A month later Dave’s email said:
”Dad failed his Road Test. He insisted that he didn't have the right paperwork from his doctor. He drove all the way to his doctor’s office to get it. By the time he got to the DMV, he was too tired. He was also constipated and feeling poorly. So, he failed to parallel park properly.”
Dad remained hopeful that he would get his license back, though none of us wanted him driving and we all knew he shouldn't be.
I remember thinking, “I’m sorry Dad, but that’s just not going to happen!”
