As soon as I heard about Mom’s stroke, Julie and I made arrangements to fly back East. We traveled through the night, arriving as soon as we could, but we were too late…

Mom had just succumbed to her stroke.

So we switched gears to help Dad make funeral arrangements.  Julie was extremely helpful in doing Internet research, so we knew exactly how to help Dad.

Dad confessed that he had not finished writing Mom’s will.  He was feeling remorseful and guilty since, for whatever reason, he had not done it. As we explored the ramifications, we discovered everything had been put into Mom’s name.

I got Dad’s permission to donate Mom’s clothing and personal belongings before we left. My only regret came when Dad asked me where Mom’s bathrobe was.  He missed seeing it on the back of the bathroom door. 

Mom’s dying without a will complicated things (New York is not a community property state), but as a former attorney it made sense that Dad would serve as the Administrator of her estate.

Dad seemed to be falling apart with the stress of losing his wife of almost 62 years and the responsibility of settling her estate.

Following her death, he felt helpless and lost not only emotionally, but also financially.  He was struggling to figure out our mother’s estate and, in the process, irrationally saw a lack of funds.  It probably didn’t help that he was behind on his taxes.

During our second visit that year, Julie slowly obtained Dad’s permission to file his papers. A trusting relationship was developing between them.  This often happens with grandparents and grandchildren and I think Dad still saw me as the rebellious 16 year old I had been 45 years before!  This is common.  Senior parents may be very proud of their accomplished children, but it is often difficult for them to see their offspring as the professionals that they have become. As parents age, a role reversal begins taking place.

In any case, Dad was very protective of his filing system (all over the floor and couches on one side of the living room.)  He remained secretive and protective of his finances, making it very difficult for us to be of any real help.

Julie slowly began organizing Dad’s mail and important papers, so he could begin on his taxes.  He had always done his own taxes, but Mom’s death seemed to have disturbed his process of filing for extensions, etc.

As our visits became more frequent, we began sorting through the legal issues involved in settling the estate and the back taxes Dad had failed to file. This was all complicated further by Dad’s extreme privacy about his financial affairs and complete lack of a filing system…