Be fruitful and multiply…
Of course you might have children but how will being in a relationship make you more fruitful in other ways? Might it become a distraction?
1. I’m X number of years old – biological clock is ticking
2. Your parents want grandkids
3. All your friends are in relationships
4. You’ve reached where you want to be in your career
5. You’re bored
1.) Use a separate dating email and a fictitious name for the account.
2.) Get a free Google phone number. Avoid using your real number or name until you are completely sure you are dating a good person.
Rachel Pace, Expert Blogger
15 Marriage Mistakes That Can Lead to Divorce
By Rachael Pace, Expert Blogger
Marriage can be challenging for many reasons, including the need to be the best couple. Then again, there’s no filter in a marriage, and you see all sides of both of you. You are emotionally and physically in very close proximity, making it hard to avoid marriage mistakes.
The possibility of making mistakes can be terrifying if you don’t have the tools to manage yourself and your reactions. It can become too easy to make a marriage mistake that starts snowballing later.
However, you are not alone, as almost every married couple faces these issues. In this article, we will go through some key marriage mistakes and the reason behind them.
Top causes for a marriage gone wrong
Many reasons can lead to a marriage deteriorating, including lack of intimacy and communication. Check out this list if you want to review more causes and gain a better understanding.
You can add many things to that list, including incompatibility and lack of teamwork. More fundamentally, psychologists have now summarized things that destroy marriage as not having psychological flexibility.
Psychological flexibility means being present for each other without distractions. You are also emotionally wise such that you don’t obsess on feelings and thoughts.
With psychological flexibility, you don’t over-focus on yourself but can see your partner’s viewpoints more compassionately. It’s the perfect way to avoid a marriage mistake.
Related Reading: 10 Most Common Reasons for Divorce
15 mistakes that can destroy a marriage
How do you know when your marriage is falling apart? Of course, there are two people behind a marriage gone wrong, and both play a part. Nevertheless, you’re the only one you can control.
Try to make changes in your own behavior, and they might motivate your spouse to change their bad behavior too. If fears and self-doubt govern your life, you might easily make a marriage mistake from the list below.
1. Miscommunication
Studies show that communication consistently comes up as one of the main things that destroy a marriage. It’s also very easy to fall into this marriage mistake because we constantly make assumptions about the world around us.
We all have busy lives, and often, we simply don’t prioritize talking to each other. That usually leads us to make assumptions about our partners. Perhaps we then make one of the common marriage mistakes and draw the wrong conclusions about what our spouse is thinking.
Miscommunication in marriage makes people bottle up their feelings and end up bitter and twisted. Instead, we should be brave and share our needs maturely with our partners. Of course, that doesn’t mean they’re going to listen but give them a chance.
Related Reading: How Does a Lack of Communication Cause Conflict in Marriage
2. Unclear roles
Things that destroy a marriage often involve the roles we assume. We can even resent some of those roles if, for example, you’re always the one doing the housework.
Another example of a marriage gone wrong that divorce lawyers often see is when the gender roles have been reversed. Tensions can arise when women in traditional marriages start making more money and focusing more on their careers.
Although, studies show that the reasons aren’t conclusive and probably have more to do with the time commitment to the marriage rather than gender-related reasons. Regardless, shifting roles in a marriage can create issues if these happen when only one partner is happy with them.
3. Taking each other for granted
How do you know when your marriage is falling apart? Are you making the common marriage mistake of not prioritizing each other? We all have needs, and many people expect those to be met within a marriage. Of course, we like independence, but we also cherish being nurtured.
When asking yourself: “what is wrong with my marriage” try to reflect on how much you thank each other. Overall, it helps make sure that communication stays positive and makes both of you feel good.
If you can’t make simple gestures to show appreciation, then you’ll also forget why you got married in the first place. That’s when negativity and doubt set in and start destroying the marriage.
Related Reading: Don’t Take Your Spouse for Granted! 4 Things to Say
4. Misunderstanding the differences
If you’re wondering, “how do you know when your marriage is falling apart” look no further than the conflict that comes from differences. Happy marriages work well despite the differences. Those couples know how to leverage those differences to create the ultimate team.
Communication Specialist James L. Creighton, in his book ‘Loving Through Your Differences,’ mentions that differences are common in marriages and they can be detrimental to marriages. However, by changing your perspective, you can reframe the dynamics of your relationship for the better.
5. Unresolved triggers
Many of us have a wounded child inside of us who sometimes lashes out when we least expect it. Those triggers can confuse and alienate those closest to us. Generally, our partners don’t understand where those reactions come from, so they don’t know how to support us.
Unresolved triggers can make us angry and judgemental, making it very difficult for our partners to live with us. This marriage mistake is tough to handle because it means reconnecting with your emotions and processing internal pain.
If this sounds like you, it’s always worth talking to a marriage therapist to free yourself from your inner pain and start living life to the full.
6. Misaligned values and prioritization
Values are those internal beliefs that drive our actions and behaviors. If you’re asking yourself, “why is my marriage falling apart” but you just can’t quite put your finger on it, your values might conflict.
Many of us don’t necessarily know how to articulate our values. When someone does something that jars you, it’s because someone has overstepped your boundaries or they’ve clashed with one of your values.
The easiest way to think about values is to consider what you prioritize in life. For example, is it family, commitment, or respect? What about lifestyle, forgiveness, and self-discipline? Then again, how different are your approaches to work-life balance?
Some of these will be deep beliefs that neither of you will want to shift, and a common marriage mistake is to think that they will.
7. Fuzzy boundaries
As mentioned, boundaries are important within any relationship. Any boundaries that aren’t clearly understood can lead to disconnect and then even resentment.
Depending on how long after getting together you got married, one of you might still be making the marriage mistake of being a bit of a people pleaser. The real you will come out at some point, which could be too much for your partner.
That’s why it’s important to be true to yourself and understand what you need from a marriage. For instance, how will you balance your need for independence and collaboration? What about having enough alone time but also spending the right amount of time together?
Related Reading: 10 Personal Boundaries You Need in Your Relationship
8. Expecting mind-reading
A common marriage mistake is to assume that your partner knows exactly what you’re thinking and what you need right now. No matter how close you are, no one can read your mind ever. So, if you’re asking yourself, “why is my marriage falling apart” perhaps reassess your expectations for your partner.
Before giving up on marriage, try to remember all the times you jumped to conclusions about what your partner was saying. If you’re honest with yourself, you might be surprised how many times you’ve assumed mind-reading was a skill.
We all expect things from our spouses, and that is perfectly natural. But it is easy to simply ask your partner what they think. Try it as it can actually be liberating for both of you.
9. No financial and parenting goal-setting
Most of us need financial security to feel safe and independent. If, on the other hand, you can’t agree on this fundamental need for security, then you might be asking yourself, “what is wrong with my marriage.”
Financial planning involves comparing and agreeing on life goals. These are typical things that destroy a marriage when misaligned. That’s because they tap into our values and how we want to approach life. It’s the same with how we raise kids.
If your approaches are so different, you might constantly go separate ways and even start saying conflicting things to your kids. It will introduce a state of confusion and uncertainty for the whole family. How you know when your marriage is falling apart is through these signs.
Related Reading: 35 Relationship Goals for Couples & Tips to Achieve Them
10. Impossible expectations
In a marriage, the main thing to remember is that we’re human, and no one is perfect. A typical marriage mistake is to buy into the Hollywood and Walt Disney myth that we’ll live happily ever after.
On the contrary, walking down the aisle with the ring on your finger means accepting your humanity, being vulnerable, and adapting to life together. No one can live up to impossible expectations, including the best couples.
11. Taking the wrong approach to communication
When you’re married, communication is key. However, some couples make mistakes when it comes to communicating. Some people say things they shouldn’t, while others aren’t comfortable expressing themselves at all.
When this happens, it often leads to conflict in marriage. And as a result, a couple may end up splitting up. To avoid this, it’s important to avoid saying things that you know your partner won’t like.
This includes criticizing them or speaking negatively about them in front of other people.
12. Arguing about everything
One of the most common causes of divorce is arguing all the time. When a couple argues constantly, they tend to distance themselves from one another. And this can lead to big problems.
To avoid arguments, it’s important to learn how to communicate in a more productive way. This may mean learning how to express your feelings without using harsh words or making negative comments about your partner. If you need help learning how to communicate effectively, counseling can help.
13. Being rude and inconsiderate towards your partner
A lack of respect for your partner can cause a lot of problems in your marriage. And it can also lead to a split if left untreated.
For example, if your attitude is causing problems at home, you need to make a change if you want to save the relationship. Many relationships can be saved if the couple is willing to work on improving how they treat each other.
14. Not understanding your spouse’s needs
Another cause of divorce is failing to understand the needs of your spouse. Even if you and your partner have different interests, you should still make an effort to spend time together. This will allow you to learn about each other and strengthen your bond as a couple.
At the same time, you should show your partner that you care about them and their needs. This will help to strengthen the relationship and prevent it from getting too rocky.
15. Focusing on your career instead of your relationship
Another common cause of divorce is being too busy with your work or school to focus on your relationship. This can lead to feelings of resentment and unhappiness on both sides.
If this occurs, it’s important to take time to reconnect with your partner. And you can do this by spending time together and doing activities that you both enjoy.
While no one factor can cause a divorce on its own, these are some of the most common causes. By taking time to address these issues, you can help strengthen the bond between you and your partner and avoid a breakup in the future.
How to avoid a divorce
Divorce is one of the most dreaded things that can happen in a marriage. It can be a very difficult process, and it is often accompanied by feelings of sadness and betrayal. But there are ways to avoid a divorce, and it is important to do everything possible to keep your marriage together.
Know more about it here: 3 Tips on How to Avoid a Divorce
More questions on marriage mistakes that can lead to divorce
If you are wondering how marriage mistakes can lead tp divorce, check out these questions to know more:
Why do we make mistakes in marriages?
You might now be asking yourself why couples do things that destroy a marriage. Remember that you’re human, and all of us have different experiences that have got us to this point in life. It is hard to change our habits and perspectives to meld our life with another person.
As mentioned initially, if we haven’t learned psychological flexibility, we could be overwhelmed by our anxieties, fears, and even mental issues. This can compel us to make marriage mistakes that damage our relationship.
Of course, it’s hard to change things about us that seem natural. Nevertheless, if someone is willing to change, there’s always hope. Change always starts with ourselves, and it’s important to know how emotionally agile you are to deal with the journey.
Is it normal to feel like you made a mistake after getting married?
Marriage is a big step in any relationship. When you get married, you are not just joining another person in a partnership; you are also joining two families together. This can mean that your lifestyles become very different, and it can be a difficult adjustment to make.
It is important to be patient with your partner during this transition. It may take time for you and your new spouse to get used to one another’s lives, but once you do, your marriage can be very happy and rewarding.
What percentage of married people regret getting married?
There are several studies that have tried to estimate the number of couples who experience marital dissatisfaction at some point in their marriage.
These studies show that up to 40% of couples experience significant marital dissatisfaction over the duration of their marriage. Unfortunately, many of these marriages end in divorce. But it is possible to avoid the pitfalls that often lead to divorce by taking steps to strengthen your relationship and maintain a happy marriage.
Takeaway
Marriage is a journey. You can choose a road where both of you feel at ease and cared for. Alternatively, you can opt for the path where you compete against each other and win one over.
Making a marriage mistake isn’t just about simple actions; it’s about your approach to your partner. Use the mistakes mentioned here as your guide, and try to avoid making these mistakes in your marriage.
How you integrate each other into your lives and blend your strengths and weaknesses is what matters. A great way to start the journey is to remember that it’s better to be kind than to be right.
Rachael Pace Expert Blogger
Rachael Pace is a noted relationship writer associated with Marriage.com. She provides inspiration, support, and empowerment in the form of motivational articles and essays. Rachael enjoys studying the evolution of loving partnerships
My parents weren’t happy about my choice in Cal, but as stated in my book Your Treasured Marriage (see the book tab for more info):
“The greatest blessing I have enjoyed from being a part of Cal’s wonderfully close-knit, family is their sense of family. They showed me how to have a close family. My desire to join an ethnic family through our intercultural marriage turned out to be a good choice.
I learned what Genesis 2:24 meant firsthand by leaving my father’s home to become one flesh with my husband. This has given me the freedom to grow into the woman of God he wants me to be … but it has not been easy.”
Maybe this devotional can help you:
Us Against the World: Our Secrets to Love, Marriage, & Family: Day 1 • Devotional
https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/18386/day/1?segment=0
#marriage #relationships
You are not invading his or her privacy. You are protecting yourself and your family.
Here are our top picks for background checks for dating: Which Is Best For Your Needs?
TruthFinder - Best for searching the deep web for different types of info
BeenVerified - Best for social media information
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Instant CheckMate - Best for customizing your reports
iD True - Best for quick results
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Persopo - Best for unlimited database searches
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PeopleWhiz - Best for highly confidential background checks
Spokeo - Affordably priced background checks
#backgroundcheck #safety #dating
Please consider this:
Dating With Purpose: Day 1 • Devotional
https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/2780/day/1?segment=0
#dating #purpose
Check this out:
21 Days of Rightful Relationships: Day 1 • Devotional
https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/1617/day/1?segment=0
#answers #relationships
Here’s my story - from my book Your Treasured Marriage (see the book tab for more info):
“His health problems led to his battle with depression and that changed him too, but he remained the same caring, sweet man somewhere way beneath on some days and close to the surface on others. He changed, but our commitment to one another didn’t.
I found online that there could be medical reasons for the emotional changes I began seeing in Cal. It became obvious why he was sometimes a “grumpy old man.” This helped me understand him better—at least in theory!
Admittedly, sometimes the frustration got to me though.”
Maybe this can devotional can help you:
Love Your Husband Challenge: Day 1 • Devotional
https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/14417/day/1?segment=0
#husbands #wives #marriage
These are from licensed professional counselor, Dave Gutknecht, Denver, CO. They can give your first date communication somewhere to start…
1. What kinds of things do you think about as you go about your day? Or during your idle time?
2. What do you do during your free time?
3. Are you involved with any community volunteer organizations?
4. What is your favorite bible verse?
5. When you pray do you read prescribed prayers or are you a spontaneous prayer warrior?
Depending on the answers follow the flow and ask other questions that come to mind. #datingquestions #dating
Dave and Chrissy Gutknecht
Let me share our experiences - from my book Your Treasured Marriage (see the book tab for more info):
“So, given Dad’s recent history of falls, cognitive deficit, and his need for 24-hour care, we decided it was time for a permanent move to the Assisted Living Community. This provided us peace of mind, so we began preparing him for the move.”
As we saw my Dad decline, we focused on resources like these. Hopefully, they can help you too.
Helpful Government Resources
Americans with Disabilities Act National Network
Benefits.gov – Make sure your elderly parent is receiving all the benefits available. This site has a comprehensive Benefit Finder tool that provides information on federal, state and local programs across different agencies.
Department of Veterans Affairs
Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act
Medicare – This is the site for the federal health insurance system for elders and those with certain disabilities. Along with information about obtaining Medicare, you can find information for family caregivers.
National Association of Area Agencies on Aging
U.S. Senators and U.S. Representatives
#aging #aginglovedones
Consider this:
Good to Know: Day 28 • Devotional
https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/34619/day/28?segment=0
#dating #love
This might help from a Chapter Wrap Up in my book Your Treasured Marriage (see the book tab for more info):
“Write a letter to your husband today telling him all the things you appreciate about his role in your life.”
Or try this devotional plan:
Love Is a Verb!: Day 1 • Devotional
https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/43552/day/1?segment=0
#dating #marriage
Is there constant conflict in your relationship?
Let me share from my book Your Treasured Marriage (see the book tab for more info):
“We struggled for several days to understand each other’s hurt. Cal was falling apart and blaming me for his misery in the marriage. I knew that since he was struggling to find his own career direction, it was difficult for him to watch me grow in my own home-based business venture.
It was obvious I had to learn ways to become his best friend again. Things like not fighting over the unimportant stuff, working on not being so selfish, having more excitement before going on a trip, and being more spontaneous (and joyful) about planning BBQs and picnics. He shared that he felt taken for granted and unappreciated.We struggled for several days to understand each other’s hurt.
Cal was falling apart and blaming me for his misery in the marriage. I knew that since he was struggling to find his own career direction, it was difficult for him to watch me grow in my own home-based business venture.”
This might help you…
Love After Marriage: Steps to Reconciliation: Day 1 • Devotional
https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/43677/day/1?segment=0
#marriage #reconciliation #forgiveness
Many families handle difficulties using codependency, but this is not a sign of a healthy relationship. Check out this article…
10 Signs You’re In A Codependent Relationship, Per Relationship Experts
By Mara Santilli and Jessica Migala
10 Signs You’re In A Codependent Relationship, Per Relationship Experts
Do you only fight about one thing?
By Mara Santilli and Jessica MigalaPublished: Mar 1, 2022
If you’ve ever been in a relationship, you’ll know that they often require walking a delicate line between meeting your partner’s needs while also advocating for your own. Finding this balance can be incredibly rewarding, and is typically what makes relationships worthwhile in the long run.
Sometimes, though, the dynamic between you and your partner’s needs can become off kilter in the relationship, which can manifest itself in an issue called codependence.
Codependent relationships exist in a variety of different partnerships (between siblings, parents, coworkers, friends), but when we’re talking romantic relationships, it's often on another level.
“In a codependent relationship, you tend to rely on the other person for happiness and approval," says Dale Atkins, PhD, co-author of The Kindness Advantage, and New York-based psychologist. "You become so wrapped up in them, you lose yourself. Your needs are determined by your partner."
Generally speaking, codependence means that there’s an imbalance in the relationship, where one person tends to be giving much more than the other, explains Janet Brito, PhD, a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in Honolulu. You can also look at codependence like this: It’s one partner’s actions being characterized by taking or demanding a lot from their S.O.
It’s definitely a dysfunctional place to be in. “One person is doing the loving and caring in the relationship, and the other is taking, taking, taking and not giving back,” says Atkins.
If this is starting to sound familiar to you, read ahead for a deep dive into what a codependent relationship really looks like.
What is codependency?
Technically, codependency means that someone is so intricately woven into you that you cannot honor your own feelings and needs, Skyler explains. It’s when you are essentially sacrificing yourself to play a part in the bigger system of your relationship, Skyler says. It typically results in the provider-heavy person harboring feelings of resentment, emptiness, and sadness, Brito adds.
That said, codependent relationships are a nuanced issue, and the word is used a bit too loosely on the internet and social media. In short, codependency is not to be confused with interdependence, explains Jenni Skyler, PhD, a certified sex therapist, sexologist, and director of The Intimacy Institute.
Interdependence is when you maintain autonomy over your feelings, choices, and behaviors, but you also offer and receive healthy support from your romantic partner and a whole network of people. “Humans are a social species,” Skyler explains. “Interdependence is key to our survival,” she notes. Basically, we need other people to stay alive. Needing others doesn’t mean you’re codependent, per se.
So, what exactly is a codependent relationship?
As mentioned, a codependent relationship can manifest itself in a variety of ways. While codependence looks different in every relationship, you might feel like you’re becoming an (unnecessary) provider if you’re often picking up after your partner’s toxic habits, Skyler says.
These bad behaviors can range from something as small as not picking up after themselves or being unable to make a decision on their own, to ones that are more menacing like causing trouble when they drink too much or being irresponsible with money. Regardless, as their caretaker, they will depend on you to pick up the pieces for them and guide them in the right direction, Brito explains.
Conversely, if you are the dependent person in the relationship, you might find yourself feeling lost and helpless without your partner—consciously or unconsciously. Perhaps they are your only source of companionship or friendship, and they’re the one you go to when there’s any kind of inconvenience in your life.
How do codependent relationships happen?
Usually, codependent relationships don't just happen out of nowhere and often are a projection of past relationships you've had, especially with family members.
"Codependency usually develops from parent-child relations that influence the child to put their parents' or family's needs before their own, says Sanam Hafeez, PsyD, a neuropsychologist and faculty member at Columbia University.
Sometimes, people who are more inclined to slide into a codependent relationship have had a toxic relationship with a parent or family member. This doesn't necessarily mean that one party had an intention of controlling the other person, but it can happen especially if a parent has been ill, has struggled with substance abuse, or has been emotionally unstable, explains Hafeez.
Codependency can also happen when a person is a such a devoted caregiver for someone else that they neglect their own needs. While caregiving can inherently be a beautiful, unselfish act, it can turn unhealthy. "It is imperative to understand that a relationship wrapped in the need for another person, and the need to be needed, is not healthy," Hafeez says.
People might also have personality traits that make them more inclined to develop a codependent relationship with another person. For example, if you are always apologizing, leading every text and email with "sorry!," even for mundane things, it could be a sign of a codependent trait, says Hafeez. "This can signal a need to know that people are not mad at you," she says.
Along with that, if you have trouble expressing exactly what you want in a relationship (this can be something as simple as where you want to pick up dinner, or a bigger decision like where you want to move with your partner), it can be problematic in the long run. Codependent relationships thrive on one person "going along with" the other person's wishes and adapting to that person's, and that will can weigh on you over time, says Hafeez.
Some specific symptoms of a codependent relationship:
1. You take too much responsibility for your partner.
Of course, in any relationship, you want to care for your partner. But taking on too much responsibility for their well-being is another sign of codependency. “In order to feel in control and ‘okay,’ you look to manage and take care of your partner’s behavior,” says Jane Greer, PhD, author of What About Me? Stop Selfishness From Ruining Your Relationship, and New York-based relationship expert. One example is that when your partner's drinking, you’ll always be the one reminding them not to drink (if it creates problems for them) or cleaning up any issues they may get themselves into, Greer says.
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2. You gravitate toward people who need you.
You may tend to date people who need help. It’s all in an effort to take responsibility for people and rescue them, notes Atkins. This is why codependent people are often attracted to those who have addictions, like drinking or gambling. You may also put yourself in peril to help them, via taking on gambling debt, dipping into your savings to support them, or getting into a car with them when you know they’re a reckless driver.
3. You never get your way.
Let’s say you feel like staying in, but your partner wants to go out and hit the bars. In a healthy relationship, you might reach a compromise—you'll stay in tonight, but make plans to go out tomorrow. In a codependent relationship, your partner might cut you down ("God, you're so boring, this is why you have no friends"), causing you to cave ("Fine, we'll go out, it doesn't matter anyway"). While it seems like a minor problem, it may be one of the many examples of how your needs aren’t acknowledged or valued.
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4. They’ve told you you’re a “nag”.
If you feel like you always have to keep close tabs on your partner and tell them what not to do, you may be codependent, says Greer. Try taking a step back and letting them make their own decisions. How does that feel? Impossible because you know they’ll mess up?
5. You'd describe your partner as “immature.”
If your partner is resisting being a responsible adult and you’re taking care of them—paying the bills while they avoid getting a job, for instance—your relationship may be codependent. The key tip-off: If you bring up the problem (why aren’t you sending out more resumes?), you get barked at, says Atkins. You may also find yourself making excuses for his or her behavior to your friends.
6. You only fight about one thing.
While this sounds like it’d be a good thing—you’re in relative harmony except for when “xyz” comes up—it’s another sign of codependency. You may find yourself saying things like “he/she/our relationship is perfect except for when they…” If you’re always angry at certain behaviors and your arguments center around one fight or issue in particular (and tend to blow up), it may be time to reevaluate your relationship and what it’s doing for you, says Greer.
7. You do things for them they should do on their own.
"This is one of the easiest ways to fall into a codependent relationship," says Hafeez. It goes back to the idea of needing to feel needed, which often stems from relationships in your childhood. While it can be sweet to treat your partner with breakfast in bed one morning, it's important not to make a habit out of doing simple things, like waking the person up or cleaning up their messes, on a continual basis. "Treating your partner like a child creates a toxic codependent relationship," Hafeez adds.
8. You talk about your partner's issues more than your own.
When your world begins to revolve around your partner's unhappiness at work, family drama, or financial troubles, it's unhealthy for you. "Your life is almost like a reflection of theirs, so their problems, worries, and anxieties are your primary importance," says Hafeez. If you and your partner's conversations always center on what's going on with them, and never on anything you're dealing with, you could be in a codependent relationship.
Likewise, if you find yourself only telling your friends about your partner (and not just when the two of you are going through a rough patch—that's totally normal, and even healthy, to discuss with friends, Hafeez says) and not updating them on your own life, it's likely that there's some codependency going on. "It might be a sign that you feel like you don't exist away from your partner," Hafeez says.
9. You struggle to identify your own emotions.
If you find yourself checking in with your partner to gauge exactly how you feel about a situation, it can signal a codependent relationship. It's great to be on the same page as your partner emotionally, but this can go too far. "Because your feelings and thoughts are so unified with little to no boundaries, it can be challenging to identify where yours end and theirs begins," says Hafeez.
It's a problem if you're giving so much of yourself that you forget to check in on your own feelings. This can often continue for a long time before you realize that you aren't in touch with your own emotions.
10. You check in with your partner before doing anything.
Communication is key when making important life decisions, but some choices (like your career, for example) are meant for you alone. Of course, certain things will have an effect on the relationship, but other things won't, so you're free to fly solo. "You're giving someone a lot of power by continually checking with your partner before you do anything," says Hafeez. "Someone who is checking in at all times, asking if things are okay, is someone who doubts their power in the relationship," she adds. Your relationship is likely codependent if you can't seem to shake that habit.
How to stop being codependent:
The sooner you notice the signs of a codependent relationship, the easier it will be to work through them, says Hafeez. And if you recognize that *you're* the codependent partner, you'll need to do some work on yourself. Hafeez recommends:
Doing some activities by yourself, like going to the beach or to the movies
Thinking about all the things that bring you joy, independent of your partner
Prioritizing self-care
Reflecting on any trauma you've experienced
Speaking with a therapist
As a couple, you can work through codependency, but it will take a lot of communication and honesty from both parties about what's been going on in the relationship. "Establish boundaries with the other person, and don't be guided by guilt," says Hafeez. If communicating about this topic is challenging, attending therapy together may help. There's also a 12-step group called Codependents Anonymous, similar to Alcoholics Anonymous, which can help people break out of their codependent habits, Hafeez points out.
If you do want to try addressing the issue yourself first though, try this. Initiate a candid conversation about your observations—not accusations. You don't want to push them even further away because they're not living up to your standards or you're trying to guilt them into being closer to you.
To do that, you can try phrasing it this way: I've noticed I'm usually the one to reach out and make plans for us. I'm just wondering if that's because I'm more interested in planning activities, or if it's because you're just someone who appreciates when the other person initiates. This gives you a chance to learn why they're behaving the way they do, and they'll be more likely to tell you the truth when they don't feel attacked.
If their answer is that they just really enjoy the ease and comfort of having you initiate and plan dates, you can say something like: That's great to know! I'd love it if you could be active in making plans for us, too. It would be really enjoyable for me to see what you come up with. But if their answer confirms what you were worried about—that they're completely reliant on you for a social life—you get to decide if that's good enough for you.
If the codependent relationship has gone on for too long though, it may be beyond repairing. It'll be more complicated if you have a family together, because the decision will affect your children, but it depends on you and your partner's willingness to build a healthier relationship. "If you don't have children together, you should leave when there is no cooperation or commitment from the other person to change," says Hafeez.
Changing goes both ways, even if you're the one that's codependent. "Your partner needs to be prepared to work through this with you and address how their past may have fed into this dynamic," Hafeez adds.
You can't force someone to take a step forward, but you can decide to take a step back. It's completely your choice and it may depend on how strong of a connection you feel with this person, but at the end of the day, it's very difficult to feel stable in a codependent relationship. The power is yours to make the next move.
Mara is a freelance writer and editor specializing in culture, politics, wellness, and the intersection between them, whose print and digital work has appeared in Marie Claire, Women’s Health, Cosmopolitan, Airbnb Mag, Prevention, and more. She’s a Fordham University graduate who also has a degree in Italian Studies, so naturally she’s always daydreaming about
#codependency #healthyloverelationships
Check out the personality tests below to better understand your significant others. Cal and I did it and it really helped us relate better with one another. Our communication increased by at least 100%. Check it out from my book Your Treasured Marriage (see the book tab for more info):
“At some point we had taken Gary Smalley and Dr. John Trent’s Personality Inventory, which is based on characteristics demonstrated by four different animals: Lions, Otters, Golden Retrievers, and Beavers.1
Cal scored predominately in the Otter classification. Otters tend to be fun-loving, entertainers, enthusiastic motivators, creative, verbal, relaxed by being with people, and they love to talk. My main personality related to the Lion, which exhibits leadership qualities.
Lions are take-charge, visionary, sometimes intimidating people. Not surprisingly, too much of this quality can create a problem in personal relationships, like marriage. Duh! As you will soon see, that was me every time I turned around—causing relationship issues.
In any event, with Cal feeling so frustrated and depressed, we sat down to talk. Our kids were almost grown, so accepting and acknowledging my leadership qualities (above), my choleric personality (described in the next chapter), and my oldest child family position, we decided I was ready to work full-time again. I encouraged Cal to expand our fundraising company and start doing professional emceeing, thus acknowledging his Otter-type personality, his youngest child need for attention, and his desire to be the center of attention. He loved being in front of audiences and he was good at it.”
The 23 Best Personality Tests In Ranking Order (2024 Update) Written by Heather Harper
1. Truity Truity.com
2. HIGH5 Test High5test.com
3. DiSC DiscProfile.com
4. 16 Personality Factor Questionnaire OpenPsychometrics.org
5. HEXACO Model of Personality Structure Personality Inventory Hexaco.org
6. Revised NEO Personality Inventory Acer.edu.au
7. Myers-Briggs Type Indicator Myersbriggs.org
8. Eysenck Personality Similarminds.com
9. Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory PearsonClinical.com
10. The Birkman Method Birkman.com
11. Values and Motives Inventory PsyTech.com
12. Hogan Assessments HoganAssessments.com
13. Californian Psychological Inventory Psychometrics.com
14. Personality Assessment Inventory SigmaAssessmentSystems.com
15. Personality and Preference Inventory Psionline.com
16. Keirsey Temperament Sorter Verywellmind.com
17. Personality Test for Kids - will help you uncover the best way to reach, understand and motivate your child in school and life https://knowandlove.com/quiz-landing
#personality #relationships
From my book Your Treasured Marriage (Click on books tab for more info):
“I prayed for forgiveness and help to release those behaviors and my desire to control, so I could yield to Cal regardless of my circumstances. As I apologized to Cal, my desire to control lessened.”
Maybe you can also consider this:
Mastering The Art Of Forgiveness: Day 1 • Devotional
https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/15597/day/1?segment=0
#forgiveness #love
My heart is for good marriages and they start with who you date. This devotional may help. Check it out.
How to Find a Godly Mate: Day 1 • Devotional
https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/43681/day/1?segment=0
#dating #Godlydating
Are You Ready for Your Valentine’s Day?
Here are some important tips to consider.
Do you know what God has to say about dating and marriage, so you can build a firm relationship foundation?
(Genesis 2) tells us that God had a design for marriage from the beginning.
God also says, “Be fruitful and multiply” (Genesis 1:28)
Have you ever thought about how being in a relationship could make you fruitful as a Christian or just become a distraction?
Have you thought about how you are currently being fruitful and how you might continue to be fruitful while in a relationship?
Learn more at a 1 hour Mini-Workshop with solutions for Pre-Engagement Dating concerns.
“Foundations of Love: Pre-Engagement Dating”
Monday, February 5, 2024 6:00PM (PST) 7:00PM (CST) 8:00PM (EST) on Zoom
(Register for the wait list today. Offer expires noon 2/4/2024)
https://www.jeannegormick.com/loss-survivor-tribe
Have a Happy New Year!
#dating #valentinesday #romance
